Horse racing jokes, horse racing humour and comedy.
He's really considerate. He put his shirt on a horse that was scratched.
That horse is so slow the post office should buy him.
The next time that horse runs will be from a bottle of glue.
If Paul Revere had ridden this horse, we'd still be under British rule.
Two bookies were corning out of church and one said to the other, "How
many times have I told you? It's hallelujah and not Hialeah."
A seven-year-old horse was entered in a big money race which it proceeded
to win by seven lengths. The track manager called the owner and said,
"Your horse is seven years old and won by seven lengths. Why haven't you
raced him before?"
"We would have," responded the owner, "but we didn't catch
up with him until last Tuesday."
My horse was right up there with the winning horse when the race started.
I bought a horse. In its first race it went out 25 to 1. The only problem
is that all the other horses left at 12:30.
He's been playing the horses for a long time. As a kid, he was the only one
on the merry-go-round with a racing form.
Racetrack: A place where windows clean people.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Horses that lose are made into glue.
His horse lost the race, and the owner was irate. "I thought I told you
to come with a rush at the end," he screamed at the jockey.
"I would have," answered the jockey, "but I didn't want to
leave the horse behind."
He bet on a horse that had a photo finish with the truck that watered the
It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was
too dark to take a picture.
Horse sense: that innate sense that keeps horses from betting on people.
He bet on a horse that had excellent breeding. After the horse left the starting
gate, he turned around to close it behind him.
Before he goes to the track, he always talks to people who know horse flesh
the trainers, the jockey, his butcher.
"Bob, I can't understand how Bill can have so much luck at cards and
be so unlucky with horses."
"That's easy," said Bob. "You can't shuffle the horses."
A horse visited a baseball stadium, trotted over to the manager and asked for
a tryout. The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured he'd give the tryout
The horse took batting practice and slammed several pitches out of the park.
Next came fielding practice, and he stopped everything at shortstop, and fired
the ball to first base each time with amazing accuracy.
The dazed manager said, "Great! Now let's see you run." The horse
said, "Are you kidding? If I could run, I'd be at Churchill Downs."
My horse was so slow that the jockey got paid time-and-a-half for overtime.
My horse would have placed in the race, but he kept looking back for his plough.
I found a way to make a horse stand perfectly still. Place a bet on him.
His horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pajamas.