Baseball jokes, baseball humour and comedy.
Our team finished in last place because our batters never got to hit against our
April is the month for showers and our team's pitching staff is living proof
His team is so bad that if he were sent to the minors, he'd think of it as
We named our son "Later" because teams are always trading for a player
to be named later.
My friend said, "I know I'm a loser. I lost my wallet. My wife is very
sick. I lost my job. The Phils lost to the Dodgers. It's unbelievable!- leading
by three in the eighth and the Phils blew the game!"
A father watched his young son practice baseball in the backyard by throwing
up and swinging at it. Time and time again the bat missed contact. The boy noticed
his father watching, and said, "Wow, Dad! Aren't I a great pitcher?"
The coach lacked confidence in his pitcher. On the lineup card he penciled
in, "Miller and others."
After watching a 450-foot homer disappear out of the stadium, the manager said
to the pitcher, "Anything hit that high and far should have a stewardess
and an in-flight movie."
It's tough playing in this city. The first time I got into the bullpen car
they told me to lock the doors.
The only problem he has in the outfield is with fly balls.
He owes his pitching success to two things: a strong arm and a fast outfield.
After five consecutive hitters nailed the pitcher's first pitch for hits to
open the ball game, the manager called the catcher to a mound conference and asked,
"What kind of stuff does he have today?"
"How should I know?" said the catcher. "I haven't caught a pitch
I was watching a baseball game on TV and my wife said, "Speaking of high
and outside, the grass needs mowing."
Someone asked him why he switched from a 34-ounce bat to a 29-ounce bat. He
said, "Well, when I strike out, it's lighter to carry back to the bench."
A Little League coach consoled his team which had just been whipped: "Boys,
don't get down on yourselves. You did your best and you shouldn't take the loss
personally. Keep you chins up. Besides, your parents should be very proud of you
boys. In fact, just as proud as the parents of the girls on the team that beat
Manager to player : "Remember all the batting tips, catching tips, and
base-running hints I gave you?" "Sure do, Skip," replied the player.
"Well, forget them. You've just been traded," said the manager.
My kid is going to make it to the big leagues. Already he has a fantastic breaking
ball. Just yesterday, with one pitch, he broke a lamp, a window, a mirror, and
Heckling umpires can be an art form. Three favorite put-downs are:
"Hey, ump, if you follow the white line, you'll find first base."
"Hey, ump, how can you sleep with all the lights on?"
"Hey, ump, shake your head, your eyes are stuck!"
No wonder kids are so confused these days. I saw a Little Leaguer being told
by his coach, "Hold at third," and his mother was yelling, "Come
home this instant!"
Some players have trouble hitting their weight, but he has such a big ego he
has trouble hitting his hat size.
I have seen better swings on a condemned playground. He's been working on a
new pitch. It's called a strike.
"Look, Bobby," the coach said, "you know the principles ofgood
sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn'tallow temper tantrums, shouting
at the umpire, or abusivelanguage."
"Yes, sir, I understand."
"Good, Bobby. Now. would you please explain that to your mother."
I say let baseball players chew tobacco if they want to. Just don't let them
When a couple arrived at a game at the top of the fifth inning, the woman asked
what the score was. "Nothing-nothing," a fan told her. "Great,"
she said "We haven't missed anything!"
You know you've been cut from the team when you arrive in the locker room and
the manager snaps, "Hey, man, no visitors allowed!"
I find amusement in small things such as the Phillies' John Kruk doing wind
He's not known for his defensive prowess. He's made the routine grounder a
I like the good old days of baseball when umpires called the strikes and the
players' union didn't.
The pitcher had sensational stuff today. The opposing batters really loved
He was once beaned with a pitch. Some say that's the mostwood he ever got on
We lost 15 games in a row. One day we had a rain out, and the team threw a
One free agent hit a home run and had his chauffeur drive him around the bases.
He got his start in baseball as a hot dog vendor but was fired when they caught
him heating the franks.
Fans in that town love the ballpark Cokes. They contain the best-tasting water
He's not what you'd call a threat at the plate. He's 0 for 75 against the pitching
That free agent doesn't steal bases, he buys them.
You know you're pitching badly when the fifth inning rolls around and the ground
crew is dragging the warning track.
He's such a tough hitter he even gets walks in batting practice.
Our team is so bad we have a "coach boy." That's the kid who goes
out and wakes up the coach if one of our runners reaches second.
Coach: "Okay, guys, I want you to line up alphabetically according to
Our team was so bad that when they played the National Anthem the flag was
He doesn't have a good sense of the strike zone. He once swung at a ball that
the pitcher threw to first trying to pick a runner off.
The team is working on a microwave bullpen to give their relievers faster warm-ups.
The best thing about playing for the Cubs is that you never have to worry about
anyone stealing your World Series ring.
I don't like Astroturf. I think baseball fields should be covered like in the
old dayswith hot dog wrappers and beverage cans.
When I was a Little Leaguer I had trouble putting on my helmet because I couldn't
get my ears through those little holes.
I could have been a professional athlete. My problem in baseball was that I
could never hit a curve ball. My problem in golf is that I always did.
The only thing that stays in the cellar longer than those losers is a furnace.
A fan yelled to the catcher: "Hey, the only thing that you know about
pitching is that you can't hit it!"
I remember when I was a rookie I slid into home in a mighty cloud of dust.
Unfortunately, I was coming to bat at the time.
I was a non-violent baseball player. I could go for weeks at a time without
That team lacks offense. They're so bad that yesterday the pitching machine
threw a no-hitter against them.
A billboard on the left-field fence read: "Our team uses Arrid Extra-Dry."
A fan spraypainted underneath, "And they still stink!"
The team trainer doesn't have to worry about the players getting the flu this
year. They can't catch anything.
Our defense is a little weak up the middle. The shortstop is so inept he wears
a catcher's mask.
In his job he doesn't come in contact with many people. He's third base coach
for a last-place team.
Baseball will outlast other sports because a diamond is forever.
Why does a multi-million dollar pitcher need relief?
To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled
our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
We keep losing games, but our team has a T-shirt night, cap night, a bat night.
. . How about something exciting this season like a "Winning Night?"
It's not like I enjoy major league baseball that much. I just love cold hot
dogs and watered-down soft drinks.
He acts as if he's hit his head on the dugout roof one too many times.